OkStupid

woolstenholme asked: this blog is so good

radio-free-america asked: I remember briefly toying with the idea of going on OkCupid and seeing what might turn up because I am, as Chandler Bing would put it, "hopeless and awkward and desperate for love." I feel like this blog really did me a huge favor. And is also hilarious. So thanks for both of those things.

A conversation for the ages.

I received this message yesterday from a guy in the UK with no photo. It reeked of a troll but it turned into a really fun time waster:
I am sorry but you keep flashing up on my screen every time you do something here and it annoys me so much. OkCupid shows your face whenever you do something on OkCupid, like upload a photo, or answer a question etc. And this really irritates me. Can you please tell me how to get rid of you and this thing? Thanks.

This made me smile a smile so toothy, Julia Roberts would be proud. So I replied:
…Just click “hide”. Be smarter than the internet, bro. You can do it.  

He responded:
Lol…I knew you will reply now for sure, lol. But I already did that many times. I clicked “hide” and you will still appear on my screen. That’s why I asked you now how to get rid of this thing.  

Me:
Unfortunately, I didn’t invent OkCupid and I do not know the ins and outs. Sounds like you’re just going to have to close your account for good. Tough break. 

Him:
Oh really? Lol. Well how about you deleting your account forever so that I would not have to see your profile pop up everytime?  

Me:
No can do. I keep this account active solely to annoy the likes of you. 

Him: 
Lol..you know what? Do you remember the first thing I said to you after you replied to my message the very first time? I said, I knew you were going to reply now and I was right, lol. You didn’t reply before that just because I was politely asking you if you will like to chat with me. And I just wanted to make you talk to me, dumb ass, lol…and I knew how to do this with people like you, lol (well gladly there aren’t too many like you)…that’s why I said that your name or profile pops up every time you do something on this site like upload a picture or answer some questions, etc. and that annoys me. But honestly, lol, that never bothered me, I don’t give a damn about it. 

As I said before, I just wanted to make you chat or talk with me and I succeeded in that, lol. You have been talking to me since that message and I am pretty sure you will never stop now, haha. Yes, I am sure you will still reply to my message.

Me:
…I thought that was the whole point? You say something about my being annoying and I respond with something even more uncouth. Tit for tat. I didn’t think it was a big secret that you would eventually reveal in such dramatic fashion. My mistake. It seems I’ve ruined the surprise. Mea culpa. 

I don’t remember the 1st thing you said to me—wasn’t it about my annoying e-existence? If there was another message, the reason I didn’t reply is likely because I didn’t see it or because it was generic and boring. 

You are correct though. You certainly understand ‘people like me’. How dare I not respond to you?! That I wouldn’t want to respond to a stock message from someone with no common interests, no picture and 5,600 kilometers of land and sea between us…the nerve! You’ve got me pegged. Thank God there are so few of ‘us’. 

Your psychological prowess is stunning. You knew I would respond. I just can’t help it. When someone says, ‘I just wanted to make you talk to me, dumb ass, lol…’ the irony is too rich. I’ve never been called a dullard in such a grammatically laughable way. I suppose you could have written ‘dum’…but we both know that would be too easy. Congratulations. You win all the awards. I resign. 

I do have a legitimate question though, are you really laughing out loud every time you type, ‘lol’?  

He hasn’t written me back yet *SAD EMOTICON* I’m waiting with bated breath for our next chat-sesh. But in the meantime, I did scour my inbox and find his original message:
Hi, how are you? Can we please chat?  

No name/photo because I actually dug this:

Hey. I’m gonna start by saying I’m not messaging you because you’re cute, or because I’d like to have sex with you. Both of those things could be true, but that’s not why I’m messaging you. I think you’re funny. I appreciate your humor to the point where I was reading through your profile just for the entertainment of it. I forgot this was a silly dating website. Thanks.